How to Stop the Arguments

The objective of counseling for conflict resolution, is to help you and your partner to stop arguing. To that end, I want to re-emphasize that couples who develop their "unique" conflict resolution style choose, and achieve, the goal of staying together.

Here is the Starting Point:

Your Partner Is NOT Your Enemy!

It's imperative for you to recognize this point. Resolving arguments is not a zero sum game where one person has to lose for the other to win.

I'm not suggesting you reconcile your conflicts with compromise either. On very rare occasions, this can be a temporary band-aid until a real solution is created with your partner.

  Problems with compromise:

1. you usually give something up as part of the "bargain."



2. often, you come away from a compromise feeling like you are "owed" something later on.



3. compromising can set up a potential for "lists" of things each party believes is due. These get pulled out later, and can start new sets of conflicts.

Instead of argument or compromise, why not learn how to resolve your conflicts? It takes creative thinking and effort, (successful relationships do take work). You can develop a style of generating solutions where you, and your partner, are both satisfied with the result.

For you to begin crafting "WIN - WIN" solutions, an important concept must be kept in mind:

The best definition of insanity is:

Continue to do the same thing,
and expect different results.

Whatever you're now doing to settle your differences isn't working. "Trying harder," isn't going to make anything different.

CHANGE WILL HAVE TO HAPPEN
if you want conflict resolution.

Oh, and by the way, counselors haven't yet discovered how to make another person change; therefore, I am unable to tell you how to make your partner change.

Your challenge will require:

• recognition of whatever you're part is in maintaining the conflict; and a willingness to change it.
  
  
• commitment and focus to modify your thinking and behavior.
  
  
• practicing your conflict resolution skills to make the change permanent.

The following is necessary for change to happen:

1. you decide the change is in your best interest
   
   
2. you decide to want it
   
   
3. you choose to make the change happen.

4. you learn what you need to change, and learn how to make the change happen.
   
   
5. you practice new thinking and behavior until a new habit is established.

Perhaps a good place to begin your change process is to ask yourself,
am I wasting my energy trying to make my partner change!

Your next step will be to accept that practicing and making adjustments to your conflict resolution style can eventually help both you and your spouse return to a cooperative friendship.

Change #1:

Decide that, from this point forward, you will no longer argue.

This is not agreeing with your partner or giving up any needs. It is simply a commitment to not participate in arguments. (One person in an argument is sort of like the sound of one hand clapping.)

To make this happen, you will find it much easier if you learn how to develop clear and consistent boundaries for yourself, and with your partner.

This commitment also involves a change in your thought process and attitude. If your goal is to stop arguing and create solutions, you will come to understand how destructive and counter-productive argument can be.

HOW TO CREATE SOLUTIONS

To create a solution, you need to completely understand the problem.

So I ask, who has the information about your conflicts to make this possible? Beyond what you know, feel, and expereince, your partner has the remainder of this data. Therefore, creating solutions for your conflicts will require you to successfully listen to AND hear your partner's point of view.

Notice, this does not say agree with, or "just give in to" their demands. It is, however, in YOUR best interest to fully understand their viewpoint on an issue. This is because WIN - WIN solutions meet both partner's needs and address each individual's concerns.

By truly hearing your partner's thoughts, feelilngs, etc., there is an improved chance they will eventually hear yours. Even if they don't, your knowledge of the problem - to include the actual nature of the conflict - will be much greater.

Acknowledging the importance of this simple. The difficult part is:

1. To view your conflicts as two people with different interpretations,
   and differing individual needs.



2. Truly giving up the concept of "winning" an argument.
   (You may win the battle & lose the war.)



3. Following through on your decision to listen and hear so you may
   really understand.

When trying to listen and hear your partner's take on things, you'll do your best if you can restrain the impulse to interrupt with objections.

Even if, the comments or statements your partner makes are unfounded, unfair, untrue, unrealistic, etc.

As you pay full attention, and do your best to understand them on their terms, you must avoid the trap of bringing up your viewpoints and concerns. Just suspend them temporarily. Don't worry, if they really are important, you won't forget them. (If you're afraid you'll forget, take brief notes while listening.)

Also, instead of telling your partner you understand (just so they'll finish and give you a turn to present your perspective), you'll be more effective by expressing what it is that you understand.

In trying to comprehend their viewpoint, you may need to put what you thought you heard in terms of a question, a tentative statement, or a re-statement. You'll either have it right, or they can correct any misunderstanding.

This will lead to your really knowing what they really meant, and will convey this connection to your partner.

Once you have a good grasp of their concerns, you have "the other half" of the information needed to engage your brain, and imaginatively begin to create a solution.

Now that you're effectively listening, let's take the next step, and learn more about developing your relationship's unique conflict resolution style.

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Section Index: Marriage and Relationship Issues
Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling	Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling (con't)	Stop the Arguments & Create Solutions	Develop Your Conflict Resolution Style
Effective & Assertive Communication	Effective & Assertive Communication (con't)	Gender Differences in Communication	How You Can Improve Your Listening Skills

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**REFERENCE:

(1) Gottman, J.M. & Krokoff, L.J.; "Marital Interaction and Satisfaction: A Longitudinal View", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, v57 n1 p47-52 Feb 1989.