Treating & Healing A Passive Aggressive Pattern
It's difficult to acknowledge passive aggressive behavior because an aspect of the pattern is denial. Both avoidance and an unwillingness to confront challenges have been learned as a means of self protection. Change is often viewed with anxiety. If you suspect, or anyone has pointed out that this style of conduct may apply for you, it does NOT mean you are a defective or "crazy" person. There is a good chance that you may have some unattended wounds that need attention. It may help to check with a counselor or therapist and see if passive-aggression is a possible aspect of your behavior. The wounds that lead to a passive aggressive pattern can be dealt with; the behavior eliminted. Development of the pattern was the best you could do with what you had at the time (as a child). It was not your fault, AND, it is your responsibility to mend it. (Is this fair? - No. In your best interest? - YES.) Healing the negative impacts learned in your family of origin, correcting your self concept and learning to positively assert yourself are all very achievable tasks. Breaking free of this "self-sabotaging" behavior can lead to positive, healthy relationships and, it is definitely in your best interest. To begin your process, it is helpful to take a look at your self concept and level of self esteem. Once you can recognize that others are just like you - human and capable of mistakes, they will become less an object of fear. This will need to become a part of your belief structure. Yes, I said fear. You may not believe you fear others, and I ask you, what other motivation would avoidance of confronting others have? A common passive aggressive response is: "I don't want to create problems. Besides, isn't gettng along with others healthy?" Trying to get along with our fellows is a healthy goal. However, this is best done from a healthy position of boundaries. What a passive-aggressive behavioral pattern creates is hidden and impenetrable walls. As you work on clear, consistent boundaries, it will also help to learn effective and assertive communication skills. Another form of healing work one must do is to recognize the level of identity shame that was placed on you in your family of origin. It needs to be metaphorically "given back", so the loss and hurt experienced as a child can be grieved and released. The deeper the identity wounds, the more challenging and lengthy your recovery may be. One can make significant breakthroughs using self help techniques. A passive aggressive behavior pattern would benefit greatly from working with a counseling professional. Taking part in this therapeutic process may seem overwhelming. I suggest you approach it one day at a time. This will free you to be the wonderful, sensitive, caring individual you truly are, and enable you to have positive connections with others. As I do with clients in my private practice, to help guide you in the journey of overcoming this style of interaction, I would highly recommend any of the following books: May your journey be blessed, and healing be found.
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