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Coping With Passive Aggressive Behavior
Section Index
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Almost everyone has come across passive aggressive behavior; and, most of us have even acted in that fashion at times.
In an occasional instance, it isn't a significant problem; however, when it appears consistently in someone we have a relationship with, it can be a puzzling roadblock and a challenge to cope.
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A good place to start is to understand the nature of, and deep seated drive for the behavior, and whatever you do, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
Not to excuse the individual from responsibility, it's helpful to remember that to recognize and change passive aggressive behavior is a substantial personal challenge. |
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Event though "irrational" and self-defeating, this behavior has been serving the goal of psychological self protection since childhood.
To venture beyond this emotional cocoon is threatening. To maintain a successful relationship with a passive aggressive individual will take time and effort. |
Be careful not to view someone exhibiting passive-aggressive behavior in an oppositional manner. An underlying motive for them is a fear and avoidance of conflict. The more you are viewed as an opponent, the more likely the behavior pattern will be strengthened, and lead to more of the undesired result.
The overall goal will be to foster a climate of safe and open communication within the relationship. This will allow the for honest expression of thoughts and feelings, and remove the need for the passive aggressive individual to self protect.
To avoid the trap of reacting to the behavior, you will need to respond from a position of clear personal boundaries. As you demonstrate a healthy level of self assertion, you will help create its development in the other individual.
- Remain open-minded, avoid defensiveness, and suspend your own agenda. (Do your best to truly hear their issue.) If complaints or offenses have merit, acknowledge them. Restate them to make sure your understanding is clear, and ask for what the person needs to remedy the situation.
- You can be empathetic and still ask for alternative behavior. Use the technique of the "I" statement in making your assertions.
- Be clear with your expectations so all requests are as concrete as possible. It can be helpful to ask for a restatement to make sure you have been heard correctly.
- Expect results and clearly communicate that you do. Don't accept, excuse, or reward poor performance. In some instances, an apology for a mistake may be sufficient; however, if there is more needed, it is your responsiblity to request it. (see #2 & 3)
- Using tact, challenge distortions and untruths. Do not argue over them, and be clear that you hold a different viewpoint. Discuss with an attitude of finding a solution. It isn't about "winning the battle", it's about NOT losing the war.
Coping with passive aggressive behavior, whether with a friend, co-worker, employee, significant other or spouse, will have its share of obstacles and frustration. Even though it impacts you, it isn't about you. Respond to the behavior which will prevent "reacting" to it.
I suggest you approach it one day at a time. Remember that passive-aggressive individuals are driven by: Insecurity, Complacency, Resentment and Fear. It may be appropriate for you to suggest they seek counseling or therapeutic help for their issues. Try to do so without conveying a message that they are deffective. They aren't, they are wounded; and need healing.
To help guide you in the task of coping with this style of interaction, I would highly recommend any of the following books:
May your find peace and success in your relationships.
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