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What is passive aggressive behavior? On first glance, a passive aggressive individual doesn't seem angry or malicious. They're quite friendly, unassuming and benevolent.
However, after dealing with this style of behavior, you often feel frustrated, offended, guilty or angry. While not your intention, you may think you did something wrong, but aren't quite sure what it was.
Many relationships, and most counselors, have encountered this inconsistent behavioral pattern. It's very confusing and often thought of as "crazy-making" because passive aggressive behavior expresses negative feelings, resentment, and anger; and it does so in an unassertive passive way1.
Surprisingly, the passive aggressive person isn't aware of this. In their eyes, all they want to do is give of themselves. Problem is, this comes with a price - an expectation that you'll return the favor, and moodiness if you don't.
If you're someone who deals with passive aggressive behavior, or you're someone who suspects, or has been told, your behavior fits the description, the following information may help. You'll gain valuable insight that can lead to more positive interactions.
What leads to passive-aggressive behavior?
It is thought that this pattern is learned in childhood. It is most likely a response to parents who exercised complete control and did not let their child express themselves. To cope, a child will adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern2.
If, for example, a child openly disagrees with their parent(s) and they are punished for doing so; the child would learn to substitute passive resistance for active resistance. Given a consistent pattern of punishment for assertion, and an individual will become highly adept at passively rebelling.
In a broad sense, passive aggressive behavior is a form of codependence. In their interpersonal relationships, the individual will attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence. This is done with the codependent method of rescue. (see the Karpman Drama Triangle.)
Relationships are seen as quid pro quo (something for something). This is because a passive aggressive person believes that asking for their needs to be met is not safe. Their self concept supposes that their requests won't be met; so, they have to manipulate others to achieve their needs.
They also have a very difficult time saying no to other's requests. While they view anyone they consider to be in a position of power or authority with respect, they also project their resentments, frustrations and anger onto these very same people. Since their self concept includes poor self esteem, almost everyone else is a person of power or authority.
A individual operating in this fashion is often prone to procrastination. They will oppose requests for acceptable performance, and find excuses for poor outcomes (This is done as "payback".). They will find fault with those on whom they depend.
A passive aggressive person is often prone to make sarcastic comments, offer condescending opinions, and blame others for their own shortcomings.
When a young person grows up with caregivers that were highly dogmatic and controlling, growing close at an emotional level is virtually impossible; and, if self expression was punished or discouraged, the self concept becomes distorted. In adulthood, validation from others is wanted, and feared all at the same time.
As such, another underlying goal achieved by this paradoxical behavior is to avoid conflict and emotional intimacy. Allowing oneself to make mistakes is threatening, and confrontation is avoided at all costs.
With effort, positive change in this format of interpersonal interaction can be obtained. The individual must "own" the behavior, and engage in counseling or therapeutic activity. Here are some suggestions and direction for individuals who wish to heal their passive aggressive behavior.
If you are someone that encounters the behavior in work or personal relationships, you will find information on the following page to help cope with passive-aggressive behavior.
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REFERENCE:
1"passive-aggressive." Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2007. http://www.merriam-webster.com (1 Oct. 2007).
2Baumrind D., Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior, Child Development, Vol. 37, No. 4 (Dec., 1966), pp. 887-907.
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