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A passive aggressive individual doesn't exhibit outward anger or appear malicious. At first glance, the behavior appears to be unassuming, gracious and benevolent; hence the term "Passive-Aggressive". When dealing with a passive-agressive person, one can feel frustrated, offended, guilty or confused. While not intended, you may leave the encounter thinking you did something wrong, but aren't quite sure what it was.
Whether personal or professional, many relationships will come across this inconsistent behavioral pattern. It's very confusing, and often thought of as "crazy-making". This is because the purpose of passive-aggressive behavior is to express negative feelings and resentments in an unassertive and passive way.
Surprisingly, the passive-aggressive person isn't aware of this. Their intent is not to be offensive or frustrating. In their eyes, all they want to do is be helpful.
The problem lies in the fact that this form of helpfulness is better known as codependency. This means the help comes with a price - an expectation of appreciation for the unrequested favor, and moodiness or resentment if you don't.
If you're someone who deals with passive aggressive behavior, or you're someone who suspects, or has been told, your behavior fits the description, the following information may help. You'll gain valuable insight that can lead to more positive interactions, and less confused and hurt feelings.
What leads to passive-aggressive behavior?
It is thought that a pattern of unassertive and passive behavior is learned in childhood as a coping strategy. It is most likely a response to parents who exercised complete control and did not let their child express themselves. To cope, a child will adopt a passive-aggressive behavior pattern1.
If, for example, a child openly disagrees with their parent(s) and they are punished for doing so; the child would learn to substitute passive resistance for active resistance. Given a consistent pattern of punishment or rejection when asserting onself, an individual can learn to become highly adept at passively rebelling.
As previously stated, passive aggressive behavior is a form of codependence. In their interpersonal relationships, the individual will attempt to manipulate themselves into a position of dependence. This is done with the codependent method of rescue. (see the Karpman Drama Triangle.)
Relationships are seen as quid pro quo (something for something). This is because a passive aggressive person believes that asking for their needs to be met is not safe. Their self concept supposes that their requests won't be met; so, they have to manipulate others to achieve their needs.
They also have a very difficult time saying no to other's requests. While they view anyone they consider to be in a position of power or authority with respect, they also project their resentments, frustrations and anger onto these very same people. Since their self concept includes poor self esteem, almost everyone else is a person of power or authority.
A individual operating in this fashion is often prone to procrastination. They will oppose requests for acceptable performance, and find excuses for poor outcomes (This is done as "payback".). They will find fault with those on whom they depend.
A passive aggressive person is often prone to make sarcastic comments, offer condescending opinions, and blame others for their own shortcomings.
When a young person grows up with caregivers that were highly dogmatic and controlling, growing close at an emotional level is virtually impossible; and, if self expression was punished or discouraged, the self concept becomes distorted. In adulthood, validation from others is wanted, and feared all at the same time.
As such, another underlying goal achieved by this paradoxical behavior is to avoid conflict and emotional intimacy. Allowing oneself to make mistakes is threatening, and confrontation is avoided at all costs.
With effort, positive change in this format of interpersonal interaction can be obtained. The individual must "own" the behavior, and engage in counseling or therapeutic activity. Here are some suggestions and direction for individuals who wish to heal their passive aggressive behavior.
If you are someone that encounters the behavior in work or personal relationships, you will find information on the following page to help cope with passive-aggressive behavior.
Many good books have been written to explain this behavioral phenomenon. To view the titles I recommend to understand, heal and cope, visit my bookstore.
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REFERENCE:
1Baumrind D., Effects of Authoritative Parental Control on Child Behavior, Child Development, Vol. 37, No. 4 (Dec., 1966), pp. 887-907.
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