Marriage Counseling and Relationship Help (con't) from My Counseling Site

Adult intimate relationships can be difficult to successfully sustain. The divorce rate for 1st marriages is high, and second marriages fair worse. These relationship endings negatively effect everyone concerned.

Even with the emotional risk involved, as human beings, we are motivated towards relationship. Connecting with others is how we cope with our aloneness as individuals.

While having a committed and long-term bond with a significant other is pretty much a universal goal, isn't it curious that we quit so easily and don't do more to succeed?

At the start of a couple's relationship they can be sincerely focused towards making things work. Then, further along their road together they can become alienated, distant, and willing to concede defeat.

How can a marriage or relationship that begins with such promise and hope transform into a union of defeat and dissolution? The details are simple; and the solution a challenge.

Most couples aren't prepared for the challenges a marriage can bring. Once together, they don't cultivate and nourish their partnership. When problems arise each partner denies their role in the conflict. They wait until their happy home has transformed into a virtual combat zone, then they quit. They may physically remain, yet they quit nonetheless.

Some couples, as a last ditch effort before divorce, try marriage counseling. They make an appointment and showup together at the marriage counselor's office. They sit down with the counselor and say some of the following:

My partner's the one who needs counseling; they're such a jerk.
My partner wants to disagree with anything I say.
My partner doesn't talk to me.
We seem to argue about everything.

When it's my couch they're sitting on, my answer to any of these complaints is simply:

So what is your problem?

Wait a minute! Are you saying I am the problem?

No, however, if you continue to participate in the arguments, you are contributing to the problem. It takes two people to form a relationship, and it takes two people to have an argument.

In all the marriage counseling I've been a part of, this is usually the most significant challenge to overcome:

Neither partner will accept responsibility for their role in the relationship's environment of disagreement and argument.

You may not be the source of a conflict, and without realizing it you can participate in maintaining a conflict. Sometimes we can actually make things worse!

Consider these common complaints from troubled relationships:

We don't talk about things anymore. It's like they just don't care.

(Have you said, or done, anything that could help them to choose to withdraw?)

Pointing out to someone what they are doing wrong, often brings about a reaction of defense.
It is difficult to feel and act close to someone in an atmosphere of tension.

I know I'm right about this -- and they are wrong!

(Isn't it just crazy when someone won't, "admit they might be wrong?")

Relationships are not a "zero sum game" when someone wins and the other loses.
Procede with caution, you may win the battle, and lose the war.

We argue and fight all the time.

(How does this create solutions for the problems you are arguing about?)

It takes two people to have an argument.
Are you truly hearing your partner's needs and concerns.

You and your partner are most likely temporarily "resolving" your conflicts in a way that is not working to encourage a cooperative friendship or create any solutions.

Either of you "runs out of steam", you reach impasse, the argument stops, and;
The conflict remains - unsolved.

This enviornment is continually increasing the distance between you. It is causing hurt, confusion and frustration for both of you. It is "wasted" time and energy as it is not solving the the conflict.

Arguments are not solutions, arguments are painful and destroy cooperation.
It is impossible for only one person to argue.

Successful relationships find a style of conflict resolution that takes both individual's points of view into consideration and creatively develops solutions so BOTH parnter's concerns are included.

Please accept one final concept: You can't CONTROL or CHANGE other people.

There is a good chance that if you practice the suggestions offered, eventually your partner will come along. There is no guarantee. For many differing reasons, you partner may not choose to change and work to rebuild your cooperative friendship.

Sad as this may be, you will have to decide if you can continue with your relationship or move on with your life. Even if this eventually becomes the case, it is worth the attempt to save your relationship. Even if the attempt fails, you will gain valuable knowledge about yourself.

I wish you both blessings
and good fortune!

Let's take a look at some methods to get you started on developing that unique conflict resolution style. Following along and learn how to stop arguing and create solutions.

Marital issues are an area that can be helped via Email Counseling. To learn more about this convenient method of affordable access to counseling, visit my Email Counseling Gateway

As I do with couples in my private practice, I highly recommend any of the following books. They can be helpful by giving you additional perspective for finding solutions.

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Section Index: Marriage and Relationship Issues
Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling	Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling (con't)	Stop the Arguments & Create Solutions	Develop Your Conflict Resolution Style

Effective & Assertive Communication	Effective & Assertive Communication (con't)	Gender Differences in Communication	How You Can Improve Your Listening Skills

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Marriage Counseling & Relationship Guidance (con't)