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Marriage Counseling & Relationship Guidance
Section Index
If you think your relationship may need counseling help, I want you to stop and consider for a moment, exactly what you consider to be a relationship.
For at its fundamental core, a functioning marriage or committed relationship exists as a cooperative friendship between two people who consider each other important. A very important point here, is this:
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You are, by choice, in a relationship with this person. It may be very difficult at the moment. You may feel like you've grown apart. You may be angry, frustrated and/or hurt. To begin the process of making it work, and to ease your tension, the place to start is to acknwoledge the following:
They didn't wake up this morning and decide to make your life miserable. Whatever your feelings toward them right now, they are also in this relationship with you and possibly are just as confused, upset, frustrated, etc. as you.
They really are NOT your enemy!
The task at hand will be to learn how to make this relationship return to a level of functional cooperation that is satisfying and meaningful for both people involved.
Back up a moment, and stop taking what is happening so personally. Yes, it is personally affecting you (and them too), and it may be about someone's bad choice or behavior; however, don't make the conflicts or disagreements be about who your partner is, or who you are for that matter.
There may be a "dis-connect" in your cooperation and friendship. You aren't working together in a manner that allows each person to truly hear and understand the other. This results in neither of you getting your relational needs met, and it makes it very difficult to find solutions to problems. |
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There is one exception however. If any of these are present: physical violence, unsafe threats, intimidation, or attempts to control your freedom (includes your access to money), please read the Domestic Violence page.
It can be a challenge to make your relationship function well. Some of the reasons are discussed below. However, many couples achieve the goal. What appears to be their SECRET for success is that they: |
Discover, develop and maintain their unique
Conflict Resolution Style.
Marriage counseling research1 shows this to be the major factor for marriages that last. Couples who accomplish this task report overall satisfaction and desire to remain married.
Successful conflict resolution is one of those processes that, when done well isn't noticed; however, when done incorrectly becomes quite obvious.
What is a conflict resolution style?
Why could this be so important?
Think about it for a moment: You are a unique individual. You have a personal history and were influenced by your family of origin. You have beliefs, thoughts, goals, emotions, etc.
Your partner is the same. They have their own personal history and family of origin. They also have beliefs, thoughts, goals, emotions etc.
These may be similar to yours,
and they are not exactly the same.
To add to these differences, each of you also filters their beliefs, thoughts, goals, emotions, etc. through your gender perspective.
Now consider:
Two special, unique individuals are in relationship, 24/7 - 365. Within this context needs arise for both of you that are largely influenced by your beliefs, thoughts, goals, emotions etc. Because life happens, and everyone has behavior and choices, conflicts happen.
Working through, discussing, and resolving these challenges calls for you and your partner to:
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communicate and accept your different viewpoints
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acknowledge and understand both of your needs
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factor these elements into your thoughts and discussion, then cooperatively: CREATE SOLUTIONS
The concept here is that you discover, develop and maintain a way to resolve your conflicts that works for both of you. If there was only one specific conflict resolution style that worked for everyone:
(1) We would all be clones, and, (2) We would all be using it.
As a couple, you will have to effectively communicate, and cooperatively work with your partner to discover, develop and maintain the distinctive conflict resolution method(s) that fits your relationship, your individual personalities, and strives to meet both of your needs by focusing creatively on solutions.
Key points to review:
- Your partner is not an enemy. Relationships are not a "zero sum game"
(This means there is no "victory" to win)
- Don't take, or make, the conflicts personal. They exist because a solution has yet to be created.
- Couples that can discover, develop, and maintain their unique conflict resolution style will choose, and accomplish, the task of successfully staying together.
- Each partner is a unique individual with their own personal history and family of origin. Each has beliefs, thoughts, goals, emotions etc. Each partner has their emotional and psychological needs.
- Both partners mustly truly understand their differences and imaginatively factor them into any solution.
To continue learning about resolving conflicts and other relationship challenges, follow along for more marriage and relationship help, counseling, and guidance.
As I do with couples in my private practice, I highly recommend any of the following books. They can be helpful by giving you additional perspective for finding solutions.
Enhance your web browsing and get other useful software. |
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**REFERENCE:
(1) Gottman, J.M. & Krokoff, L.J.; "Marital Interaction and Satisfaction: A Longitudinal View", Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, v57 n1 p47-52 Feb 1989.
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