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Listening Skills - How to Improve Them
Section Index
It has been said that we were created with one mouth and two ears because listening requires twice as much wisdom as speaking.
So why would the listening part of communication take such effort? It seems simple enough. Someone speaks, sound waves travel to the ears, they get transmited to the brain, and voila: you're listening. Right? |
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While the mechanics of listening are such, the real "SKILL" of listening comes from understanding the message received. Often we listen, yet fail to hear. |
Listening skills are an ability worth improving. Effective communication is the core of any successful relationship. The goal, as an ACTIVE LISTENER, is to master these three important elements: |
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Reception
Processing
Understanding |
Reception
Receiving a conversational message would appear to be an obviously simple task.
Unfortunately, it's the first element of effective listening overlooked, and quite often is the root cause of many mis-understandings.
Often, only a part of our mind is focused on a conversation. Our minds drift, and we think about other things.
Many times, we'll be thinking about what we're going to say next, before the other person is finished.
Have you ever had to ask someone to repeat what they said because you weren't paying enough attention? |
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Also consider that the words conveyed are only part of the message being communicated.
It's helpful to "listen" to the non-verbal communiation of body language. It may give you information the words aren't quite giving.
To practice good reception, one must consciously focus their mind, and give full attention to the speaker.
To fully engage in conversation means to concentrate, and to suspend your thoughts until it is your turn to speak. Try to listen with the purpose of knowing what the other wants you to know, and be involved in the reception of the message. |
Processing
This is where paying full attention to the message pays off. If you've been listening with a purpose, information has been gained "from", and, "about" the other person. You know the content of their message, and have insight into their thoughts and emotional state.
Coming from the "cognitive behavioral" standpoint, this is where you evaluate the total message received and engage your brain. You think about what you heard and evaluate the message from the speaker's point of view.
You ask yourself, "have I heard what they were trying to say?" It is important to prevent "reacting" to the message, and instead, "respond" to it.
By consciously, practicing your "thinking process" you will make processing information a breeze. It takes a bit of focused effort at first. You will notice you slow down just a bit, and you will become more comfrotable with the brief silences that happen in effective communication.
Processing a message means neither agreeing or disagreeing with it. It means reviewing the information, evaluating it, noticing any emotional response within yourself, suspending your reactions, and comprehending what was said. All of this leads to the main event:
Understanding
Somewhat of a paradox, this is where effective listening can take the form of speaking. If any part of the message lacks clarity, you ask questions until the meaning intended by the other person is clear.
It's also important to "re-state" what you "think" you heard. After doing this, it is crucial to a working procees that you stop, and let the other person confirm or correct your perception.
The objective of real understanding is to fully grasp what the other person intended for you to hear. It is not about validating your agenda.
If you really understand the other person, they have a sense of being heard; you know what they were trying to communicate. The end result to this genuine level of understanding is an intellectual, as well as emotional "connection".
Whether you agree with the opinion, belief, thought, feelings, etc. expressed, or not, you comprehend the other. They are now much more prone to listen to your opinion, belief, thought, feelings, etc. |
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This level of connectedness in interpersonal communication is what relating to another person is all about. Argument stops and transforms into discussion, differences stop separating and the individuals jointly seek resolution. It is the best two can be, and the point at which relationships thrive.
Effective listening takes practice, and patience. If you want to improve your relationship with someone, take a close look at how well you listen and thereby understand them. It may open your mind (and ears).
To help guide you in learning how to improve your listening skills as well as how to effectively and assertively communicate, I would highly recommend any of the following books:
Enhance your web browsing and get other useful software. |
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