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Toxic shame may be the foundation for many of the things you don't quite understand about yourself. It also is the root for most codependent behavior.
It distorts the identity by giving you an inconsistent self concept, and leads to poor self-esteem. Most of this stems from your family of origin.
A dysfunctional method of trying to rid oneself of shame is by transfer. Generation to generation caregivers unconsciously embarrass, humiliate, hold to unatainable standards, innappropriately depend upon, avoid, withhold love from, deny, belittle, degrade, etc. those in their care.
Growing up in an environment of Toxic Shame makes forming intimate relationships a painful challenge, as an identity marked by it will have poor interpersonal boundaries, often fear abandonment, and feel flawed. It is an unearned legacy with far reaching effect.
It's important to clarify that healing your damaged identity is not about placing blame on anyone. It does, however, require you to become aware of how and what others have passed on to you.
It is, nor was, intended to be negative or to hurt you. The transfer of shame happens in the name of discipline, concern and care. Often it is an end result of caregivers being unavailable or distracted due to substance addiction, workaholism, perfectionism, codependency, or other mental disabilities.
Their dysfunctional behaviors were, and are, their attempts to deal wih the shame that was transferred to them. There's just one problem, what they are doing, or did, doesn't rid the caregiver of their shame, and it brings forth a new batch in the person they were providing nurture and care.
The only present day method to rid yourself of Toxic Identity Shame is to simply give it back, and learn to refuse or accept anymore. The process will be emotional work so be willing to give yourself patience and time.
To begin, I suggest you make a list of all the people in your life whom you believe are or were important to you. At the top of this list go both of your parents. Even if one or both were absent.
This list can include anyone, they don't have to be part of your family. It can include teachers, ministers, coaches, boy/girl scout leaders, etc. Anyone that had a significant impact upon your upbringing could have "dumped" shame on you.
After you've made your list, set it aside for about a week and don't do anything further. Just let it set. Be as kind as you can to yourself and others.
When a week has passed, take your list and identify who you believe has placed shame upon you. Even small amounts of shame can impact what you think about yourself. The degree of impact is usually dependent on how important the person is (or was) to you.
Again, I counsel you to set this aside for about a week. It is important that you remain aware that you are dealing with highly toxic emotional material. Be kind to yourself and others.
While waiting to continue, it will help if you can obtain a picture or two of yourself when you were a child. I suggest you get one around age 6 or 7 and another around age 12 or 13.
If you find yourself becoming very irritable, upset or depressed you will be best off if you find a counseling professional to help you with this task.
Now that you have certain people identified, and you have some understanding of the shame they tried to transfer, you can begin "giving it back."
With your pictures in sight, start hand writing a letter to the person at the top of your list. Tell them whatever comes up. Let them know in no uncertain terms how you felt and tell them you are giving them back their shame. Two important points for this exercise:
- It is very important that you "hand write" this letter. Unless you have a diability that prevents this, DO NOT use a keyboard to type this letter. Don't worry about your penmanship, this is not a letter to be sent anyway. The act of writing lets you clear your mind of emotional data much more effectively.
- Try to write about your shame from the standpoint of your "inner child", by which I mean from the standpoint of the young person who lives in your memory. You can recall them, maybe with some effort, AND you can let them "speak". They were the person shamed, and they are the person who has to give it back.
If you get stuck, try writing with your "non-dominant" hand (if you are right-handed, then try writing with your left hand or visa versa.)I know this sounds a bit different, and it can help you connect to childhood emotions and memories.
Be patient and take your time with this letter. It can take a week, a month, however long you need. Just get it out and on paper.
Once you have your letter finished, it will be up to you as to what you do with it. It is not important that you send or give it to the recipient.
If you feel you need to do so, I would counsel you to review what you are saying to this person. Will they even understand? Will you be causing more problems for yourself? Maybe this first letter can be a template for one you do decide to send off.
Some people like to do a ceremony where they tear up the letter, or burn it (safely, of course). They proclaim their freedom from the shame of their past.
You write as many letters as you need to write. This method really seems to work for most people who try it. Eventually, you will begin to get a sense of being rid of the toxic shame that has helped frame what you have irrationally and incorrectly thought about yourself.
At this point, you need to start healing that little girl or boy in those pictures. Look at them and tell them OUT LOUD: "I love you and will be here for you." You can also picture yourself sitting next to them on a couch or bed. Imagine them telling you about their bad feelings and you putting your arm around them and telling them it will be all right; you are here for them now and you will be their champion.
As I do with clients in my private practice, to help guide you in the journey of overcoming Toxic Shame, I would highly recommend any of the following books:
Your emotional work will need to continue. For the Toxic Shame to be rendered completely ineffective, you will need to replace it with the truth. This is done by correcting your self concept and re-building your self-esteem. Something that can help you get a start is a wonderful poem written by Virgina Satir.
My Declaration of Self Esteem
If you want further support, this is a good subject for Email Counseling. You can learn more about this cost effective and convenient method of support at the Email Counseling Gateway.
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