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Gender Differences in Relationship Communication
 Section Index 
cute little girl and boy holding hands as they walk by a fence to symbolize how gender differences in communication can be dealt with by using cognitive behavioral therapy.

The influence of gender differences begins very early in life. Remember this nursery rhyme?

boys are made of snips & snails, and puppy dogs tails;

girls are made of sugar & spice, and all things nice.

One of the goals of marriage and relationship counseling is to help two "relating" individuals communicate effectively with each other. Roadblocks happen when someone has difficulty understanding their partner as this will contribute to arguments and problems within the relationship.

To be successful, they need to learn how to connect and interact in ways that lead to resolving conflicts and differences in their: "cooperative friendship".

One of the challenges to creating a workable communication and conflict resolution style is that relationships are composed of two people who are:

Equal, and yet, Different.

As human beings, women and men are equal.

They think, understand, misunderstand, dream, hope, want, try, fail, succeed, etc. Both genders desire dignity and respect; and can be disrespectful and rude.

Both can be heroes at times, and villains another. They experience joy, sadness, frustration and boredom. Both men and women have tear ducts! Women and men live, and they die.

As human beings, men and women are different.

AND AIN'T THAT GREAT!

We all are aware of the physical and biological differences. Most distinctions, though, are learned. These "social constructs" are psychological in nature.

So what we're considering is the different way women and men think and behave, and as such, communicate from the position of their individually learned gender perspective.

Considering all this from a cognitive-behavioral point of view, you and your partner process communication in your brain basically the same way.

However, what factors in differently is the learned gender experience.

This constitutes a significant part of the "thinking" that is done to evaluate the messages as they happen in your interactions.

So just how did you learn your gender experience and knowledge?

A significant part of it is acquired by the time you were 8-10 years of age.

Think about growing up:
FEMALE or MALE

two little girls having a tea party to show how women learn a relational style of communication which impacts their adult relationships. playing baseball, boy catches ball as other boy slides into base to show how men learn a competitive style of communication which impacts their adult relationships.

What types of activities did you usually participate in with your friends?

As a young girl,
Most likely you played with dolls of some sort, played house, played "make believe", played board or card games, etc.

You were participating in, and learning, a "RELATIONAL" style of interaction.
As a young boy,
Most likely you played different sports, cops & robbers, army, cowboys & Indians, etc. (never "make believe or pretend")

You were participating in, and learning, a "COMPETITIVE" style of interaction.

When you were a toddler (2-4yrs) you played with both genders on an equal basis. As you walked, talked and became more active in your play, you noticed your difference from one of the sexes.

Around age 4 or 5, you moved towards an exclusive level of play with the gender similar to yours. This selection of same sex play friends stays fairly constant until puberty sets in.

You spend from age 4 to around age 12 playing almost totally with friends of the same gender. Even when girls & boys are put together. (Remember that opposite gender birthday party you went to?) This is a lot of time for your style of interaction to become fairly ingrained.

Consider these communication elements for each style of interaction.

RELATIONAL

    • Ask more questions
    • Make more requests
    • Discuss feelings & perceptions
    • Higher quantity of speech
    • Speech is more polite
    • Includes greater level of detail
 COMPETETIVE
    • Make more commands
    • Interrupts more
    • Limited emotional content
    • Quantity of speech limited
    • Involves slang or swearing
    • Gives information

While only a fraction of the differences, it outlines the general trend.

It is meant to help you:

UNDERSTAND WHY YOU
MAY "MIS-UNDERSTAND"

When communicating with your partner, notice how these differences play out. (The suggestion is to notice, NOT point out.) Make sure you really understand what your partner is saying.

Do your best to hear the message from "THEIR" point of view, especially when talking about anything that is emotionlly charged.

Integrate the concept of gender differences into your conflict resolustion style. Learn to look for a solution instead of emphasizing the difference. You help yourself in doing so by improving your listening skills.

Don't try to change your partner, accept them as they are. (Isn't the "way they are", what attracted you in the first place?)



To show you how important all this is to effectively communicating with your parter, here is a true example of how a simple phrase can be so misunderstood and lead to two people upset, confused and/or hurt.

A young woman and her fiancé are planning their upcoming wedding. It is a highly tension filled and exciting time for both of them. They are talking about the reception.

The woman asks her fiancé, "Which centerpiece do you think is best? Do you like the large one with all the flowers or the smaller one that has our engagement picture?"

The young man looks at both centerpieces, turns to his bride to be, and responds: "uh, I don't care."

The bride, who is very excited and emotionally "charged" about the upcoming wedding, looks at her beloved in disbelief, starts to cry, and runs from the room.

The young man is totally dumbfounded. He thinks to himself, "What did I do wrong?"

From a male's gender perspective, he was answering her question
and stating that he didn't have any preference.

From a female's gender perspective, what did she hear?

I DON'T CARE!

These are great books to help you understand & communicate with the other gender:



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Gender Differences
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