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Effective & Assertive Communication

 Section Index 

cartoon of a woman and man facing each other and talking. An illustration of effective communication that uses assertive techniques.

Are you clear with what you say? Are you able to say NO when needed? Do you use "I" statements to convey thoughts and feelings? Do you plainly request expected behavior to meet your needs? These are some vital elements of assertive communication.

How well do you listen? Do you try to accurately hear what another is saying? Are you able to suspend any thoughts or agenda happening in your mind while recieving information? These are essential elements for effective communication.

The elements of effective and assertive communication are the two "sides" of meaningful conversation. It's a part of human interaction were mistakes are often made, and unnecessary conflict results.

Research indicates that females do a fairly good job of listening to emotional content while not always hearing informational data. They also appear to need improvment with their assertiveness.1 On the other hand, most males need to improve their listening abilities overall, and demonstrate aggressive as opposed to assertive communication.2

Before going further, here are some important points about assertive communication that cannot be emphasized enough:

  • It is a method of directly stating thoughts, emotions, opinions and requests to encourage understanding by the listener.

    To be very clear, assertive communication is NOT an "aggressive" style of interaction. To the contrary, it respects both sides of a conversation.

  • It relies on a belief structure of self-worth. Your wants and needs are important, and while ultimately your personal responsibility, fulfillment of them can be requested.

    Assertive communication is NOT a method of manipulating conversation to get your way. However, it is the only healthy way of getting your needs met.

  • Is it always in your best interest to communicate assertively?

    Before choosing to act assertively in a given situation, you must ask yourself if you can accept the consequences. While assertiveness can result in a positive response, some individuals may react negatively to it.
    (For example, your boss is very unreasonable and becomes infuriated if anyone dares question him. If that's your situation, then you may decide you can't afford to be assertive.)

Another thing to consider is that if you try assertive behavior with those who know you, they are used to your behaving in a certain way. Initially, they may be thoroughly confused when you change your communication style, and the results can be unpredictable.

Depending on the closeness of the relationship, it could be best to tell the other person up front what you're trying to do. I suggest you choose a peaceful moment for this. You might say something like this:

"I need to tell you something and I'd like you to hear me out before you comment. I've noticed lately that we've been arguing alot over little things, I find myself feeling frustrated and hurt. I've been thinking about it and I've realized that I often don't think I have been heard. I have not said anything because I'm afraid of upsetting you.

From now on I'm going to try something different. When I start to get those frustrated feelings, I'm going to stop and ask that we restate to each other what we have heard before we move on in our conversation. I know this may be a change for you, and I really think it's best for our relationship. I believe it will improve our understanding of each other and we won't argue as much."

How could anyone argue with that?

Another technique important to this style of communication is utilizing "I" statements. We'll cover that and also learn how to improve your listening skills on assertive communication page 2.

To help guide you in learning how to effectively and assertively communicate, I would highly recommend any of the following books:



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Section Index: Marriage and Relationship Issues

Relationship Guidance
Marriage Counseling

Relationship Guidance
Marriage Counseling (con't)

Stop the Arguments
& Create Solutions

Develop Your Conflict
Resolution Style

  

Effective & Assertive
Communication

Effective & Assertive
Communication (con't)

Gender Differences
in Communication

How You Can Improve
Your Listening Skills


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REFERENCE:

1West C., Women's Competence in Conversation, Discourse & Society, Vol. 6, No. 1, 107-131 (1995).

2Burleson et al., Men's and Women's Evaluations of Communication Skills in Personal Relationships: When Sex Differences Make a Difference and when they don't, Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Vol. 13, No. 2, 201-224 (1996).




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