Developing Your Conflict Resolution Style

Conflict resolution isn't about deciding who's right or wrong. However, if you get the skill of resolving differences "right", it will transform your relationship.

When you and your partner experience conflict, instead of arguing, you'll know how to create a solution.

As it's been said, "two heads are better than one." With this in mind, for relationship success to continue in the long term, the two of you must learn how to collaborate.

Couples who make their marriages work have developed, and use, a conflict resolution style that works for them. While each couple's style fits their individual personalities, there is one consistent practice. There are always three points of view for any conflict. Yours, your partner's, and what's best for the relationship gets a vote also.

If you find this challenge too difficult to try, or you don't believe it's worth the effort, your relationship will probably fail. The elements needed to make your relationship work just aren't available.

Unresolved conflicts lead to anger, hurt, and frustration; these negative feelings bring about resentments. Eventually, the resentments become "reasons" to either:

1. leave the relationship,
2. have an affair, or
3. make life so intolerable, your partner leaves the relationship.

From my counseling of marriages and relationships, I've seen that men with narcissistic issues, and women with passive-aggressive issues tend to fit this profile.

Without some therapeutic work to address these problems, they have difficulty working together to do anything different. Their needs will always come first.

If you're in a relationship like this, you're best to know where the safest exit is, and find out why you "picked" this person in the first place. And, that is another topic.

Now that I've dropped the "doom and gloom" bomb, let's get back to the majority of you who do want to do something different. Let's begin learning how to develop a conflict resolution style for your relationship.

To do this, it's helpful to look at each partner's preferred method of dealing with differences.

This chart comes from the work of Drs. Ralph Kilmann and Kenneth Thomas. ¹

Their studies classified four different styles which individuals chose as a "preferred" method to resolve conflicts.

You'll notice, these resolution styles are placed along scales of assertiveness and cooperativeness. Assertiveness is the degree to which someone tries to satisfy their own concerns. Cooperativeness is the level to which someone tries to satisfy the other's concerns. Compromise, which is not really a style fits between the different levels.

1. Competing:
   needs achieved at the expense of the other
2. Avoiding:
   passive withdrawal from conflict
3. Accommodating:
   needs modified to satisfy the other
4. Collaborating:
   actively try to find solutions to satisfy all needs

To find a conflict resolution style that is appropriate to your relationship, you, and your partner, will benefit from knowing your preferred style. The ultimate goal will be for each person to adjust their individual method to meet the needs of the relationship.

This will take a different way of thinking and communicating on both parts. (Remember, continuing to use the same behavior will NOT produce different results.) This is the something different "to do", so you get the results you want. At first, it will take focused effort and may be a challenge. With time and practice this new behavior will become your unique conflict resolution style.

Most likely, you have a general idea as to what your personal style may be. To help you check this, here is a brief questionnaire that you can print out and use.

After you and your partner have taken this survey, you will benefit from discussing the results. It may make clear to you both what is blocking you from resolving your differences.

There also is another general rule to use when resolving differences - try NOT to focus on them. When focusing on differences, you highlight your conflict, and this continues the argument. However, when the attention is directed towards needs, the tendency is to think in solutions.

Often you’ll discover you may need similar things, and creating a solution becomes a way of strengthening your relationship.

As you shift into a discussion of needs, it becomes essential for you to understand your partner's needs. It is also vital for your partner to believe their needs are understood. This is the start of sincere conflict resolution.

You can find a full discussion of how to begin communicating more effectively in this section.

The potential for any discussion to be side tracked into argument is always there. Developing and using your unique conflict resolution style takes focus, commitment and practice for it to work consistently.

It also takes a willingness to table, or set aside, an issue for a day or so.

I've often observed in my counseling practice that many things couples have conflict about are not as 911 as they tend to make them.

Give each other time to consider the other person’s point of view. Give each other the psychological space to identify what each is really needing from the other.

• Take a break. Or, if necessary, call a "time out"
• Go to your separate "corners", take a few deep breaths and relax.
• Let go of any resentments if your partner doesn't understand you at this moment.

I cannot stress the following enough: Your relationship has been using a method of resolving conflict that has been ineffective. You are now trying to replace that method with one that works for both of you.

It will not happen over night. Re-building the cooperative friendship of your courtship may take time. It will take effort. Each needs to forgive the other and commit to making it work. I counsel you to keep at it as long as you are able.

Conflict resolution issues are an area that can be helped via Email Counseling. To learn more about this method of accessing counseling, visit the Email Counseling Gateway.

I highly recommend the following books to help with the issue of conflict resolution in relationships:

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Section Index: Marriage and Relationship Issues
Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling	Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling (con't)	Stop the Arguments & Create Solutions	Develop Your Conflict Resolution Style
Effective & Assertive Communication	Effective & Assertive Communication (con't)	Gender Differences in Communication	How You Can Improve Your Listening Skills

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**REFERENCE:

(1) Thomas, K.W. and R.H. Kilmann, 1974, The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, Tuxedo, NY: XICOM, Inc.