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Codependence Recovery

 Section Index 

I hope you can now see why codependency is a dysfunctional relationship with yourself, and how the codependent thinking and behavior pattern was learned.

By trying to please your caregivers and gain their love and/or approval, YOUR - "SELF" was discounted, disgarded, and lost.

The good news is that it is possible to recover it. To do so will take some exploration and healing on your part, and you will need to learn how to treat yourself right.

But wait! You already know how to consider someone special and take good care of them:

picture of a person facing a river to cross and a small hill to climb. Meant to represent the journey of recovery from codependency using cognitive behavioral therapy

You've been doing it for everybody else!  For so long .......

The process of "recovery" from a codependent behavioral style is neither brief nor easy. It involves your effort to return attention back to where it belongs -- on You.

It will also help if you have support from other sources. I have two specific suggestions to help your recovery journey be one of success:

  1. You can find focus and support by reading any of these self-help books on codependence. I recommend them all highly. Get at least one, you will use it.


  2. You can find support from others who are dealing with, and healing from, their codependence. You can do this by attending meetings of CoDependents Anonymous (CODA)®.

    The CODA link is to their site where you will find a meeting locator as well as information about what happens at meetings. You'll find lots of other information too.

If you decide not to use the support of meetings (or there are none available geographically or time wise), you can also find support and guidance by working with a behavioral healthcare professional. In fact, this topic is one that works very well within the e-mail counseling format.

picture of concentric ripples in sand to show how the effects of codependence recovery can exponentially improve quality of life

Step #1 to Recovery

Admit you are powerless over others and that your life has become unmanageable

Hmmm, sounds like we're at an A.A. meeting. Close. This is from the CoDependents Anonymous version of the 12 Steps. And, it ain't a bad place to start. Brings us back to my point about shifting your focus back to where it has belonged ever since you arrived in the world -- on YOU.

Take your focus off others, if they are over the age of say 4 or 5, they generally can take care of themselves, Adults definitely have the responsibility to care for themselves. Now, aren't you an adult? Yep, so you also have the responsibility of caring for yourself. Let others care for themselves.

Self Care Technique #1

The next time you encounter someone that has a problem, I suggest you try saying the following (exactly, word-for-word):

Is there anything I can do to help?

Okay, you say, I'm confused. You just suggested I focus on myself and stop helping others. Now you want me to offer my help.

To recover from codependence means to stop "FOCUSING" on others. It is about not rushing in and doing for others what they can do for themselves. Helping others is fine as long as you don't give away your-self.

The suggestion (look again) was to ASK if there was anything you could do. This gives you the freedom and BOUNDARIES to say "no", if you don't want to do what is being asked.

Another positive benefit you invoke is that the question helps the other individual focus on the probelm resolution. If the person is trying to manipulate you into helping them, the question sends a clear message that it is their responsibility, not yours.

What is really important to recognize is that you have needs, beliefs, values, thoughts, emotions, etc. To care for yourself means you "CLAIM" all your needs, and all your thoughts, and all your emotions, dreams, beliefs, hopes, disapointments, joys, etc. You claim everything about you as being authentically you. Yep, it's you, the real deal.

Here is a handout

Print out a copy and begin to read it daily until you believe it..

Despite all the shaming and negative messages that play on your "tapes," you can dispute them and start to "Take ownership" of your-self.

It will take patience and practice. Remember, it's a journey, not a destination. It's so important for you to see that: who you are, IS who you are; and that it's okay to be who you are!

If you give yourself permission to be you, and you re-claim your acceptance of this wonderful, special and unique individual; then, it's only reasonable that:

You will care for, cook for, clean for, comfort, love, understand, forgive. etc. You also will now have another responsibility: