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A confusing feature about codependency is the mistaken belief of the codependent person that their behaviors are appropriate.
As shown in the drama triangle, they end up playing a vicitm role, seeing their situation as beyond their control. Somewhat similar to a "martyr like" role.
So why would anyone engage in codependent behavior when it can cause such emotional pain and difficulty?
Because thinking, and therefore, acting in this people pleasing mode is a learned behavior. As the codependent's distorted self concept reinforces the behavior, it becomes an "automatic" response.
So the question becomes, How or where is this behavior learned? And going further, can a healthier level of response behavior be learned?
This may sound a bit cliche', however, this style is learned in childhood, usually in the family you grew up with (Your "family of origin" or FOO.). To change the behavior, a codependent must discover, and become skilled at, a new way of thinking about themselves and others.
To look at childhood experiences, it is important to understand that this is not about blaming your parents, siblings, grandparents, extended family, etc. It is important, however, to recognize, acknowledge, and take ownership of the enviornment in which you developed. It was a significant factor in the person you became as an adult.
Some things in life are not your fault; nonetheless, they are your responsibility to deal with. Blaming is judgmental and useless. Understanding can lead to liberation. It puts you back in the driver's seat of your cognitive and emotional life.
To look into what you have learned, and how that becomes the adult behavior style of codependence, let's get an understanding of two important developmental processes:
Enmeshment
This is emotional, psychological (and sometmes physical) entanglement with other people in such a way that the sense of "self" becomes blurred. It becomes hard to realize you are a separate person.
On one end of the spectrum, this can happen when a child looks to gain the approval of someone they believe to be significant, and the approval is either:
- not there
- is conditional
- based on exceptionally high or unattainable standards
The other end of the scale is when a child looks to avoid punishment or abuse. Approval in this case is never there.
With repeated exposure to this puzzle the child will learn that others are responsible for their feelings - and they are responsible for other's feelings.
The child becomes hyper-vigilant. They learn to focus on trying to interpret what parents and other authority figures are feeling and thinking in order to gain approval or protect themselves.
Differentiation of Self
This will happen when a child is given as much "unconditional love, approval and acceptance" as is possible.
The child will mature and recognize their relative dependence on caregivers without learning that their "care" and sense of existence have emotional or behavioral "price tags".
This doesn't happen in an enviornment that lacks discipline or limits. In fact, the child is allowed to "test" limits and experience consequences.
This helps the child grow into a realistic definition of themselves. They recognize their thoughts, emotions and physical self, and claim them as their own.
They "differenciate" (become aware of self as separate). They also develop boundaries to maintain and sustain their identity (the self).
Deep stuff right? Well, we all expereince the differentiation process. Consider the young toddler telling us, "no." This is when the process starts. It seems like they're just misbehaving. What's really going on though is that their NO is an attempt at being independent of their caregiver(s).
How does this apply to codependence? First, I'll answer this question with a question. How did your development turn out? If you identify with the pattern of codependence, this is your answer. Second, NO is the most uncomplicated boundary there is; how easy is it for you to say?
Knowing what enmeshment has produced is vital to changing a codependent behavior pattern. You can learn how to disentangle from others and take back control of your life. You can "recover", and like the Phoenix, rise from the ashes.
As in my private practice, I often recommend books to help someone get a deeper understanding of an issue. Below are some excellent books on this subject.
Recovery is a process that can lead you to discover, reclaim and re-engage your "self", and reaffirm your identity. You can achieve it at any age, and at any time. Are you ready to begin? The codependence recovery process is explained on the next page.
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