Home
Counseling Explained
Counseling by Email
Relationship Help
How to Stop Arguing
Communication Skills
Gender Differences
Affair Recovery
Toxic Identity Shame
Codependency
Improve Self Esteem
Stop Your Anger
Passive Aggressive
Addiction Help
End Your Anxiety
DEPRESSION
Can Medication Help?
My BOOKSTORE
Domestic Violence
CRISIS HELP
RESOURCE LINKS
 


Codependency - An Explanation (Continued)

 Section Index 

Often, when counseling on the subject of codependence, the conversation will get around to talking about how codependency involves a dysfunctional relationship with yourself.

The statement is acknowledged with agreement. However, when asked what they think this means, many times clients will respond with a blank look.

This isn't because they don't comprehend the question; they have difficulty connecting with the "relationship with yourself" part of the statement.

picture of a long waterful with a log fallen into its middle

This is because for a codependent, there isn't any thought about a relationship with the SELF -- That was given up a long time ago.

To understand how this can happen, let's more closely examine some elements of this lost and sacrificied relationship. It begins with two key concepts:

A chart that shows a figure entitled

The concept of "SELF" is a combination of:

Your SELF CONCEPT:

This is your collection of knowledge, experience and beliefs about your nature, values, qualities, character, personality, typical behavior, etc. If asked to describe yourself, this is what you would present.

Your SELF ESTEEM:

This is your degree of regard, and evaluation of yourself. It includes your:

  • Value for yourself as a human being;
  • Beliefs about your significance;
  • Approval of, in, and about, you.

"BOUNDARIES" serve the purpose of:

  1. Containing and holding who you are as a unique, separate individual.


  2. Protecting and sustaining you as a unique, separate individual.

There are three levels of boundary:

PHYSICAL

This, of course, is your body. You decide and control who, when and how your physical being can be touched or approached.

(We usually don't like strangers, initially, to get within arm's reach. When feeling uneasy in a crowd, this is your physical boundary alerting you it is being tested.)

EMOTIONAL

What you sense is what you sense. You determine and experience what you are feeling at any given time.

(Have you ever been told, "I know how/what you are feeling."? Think of your usual response. This is your emotional boundary alerting you it has been violated.)

PSYCHOLOGICAL

Your perceptions, thoughts, opinions, beliefs, etc. are determined and experienced by you at any given time.

(Often when this boundary is crossed we will feel manipulated or like we've been "set up". It happens when someone tries to invalidate your thoughts or expereince.)


A chart that shows different degrees of boundaries. 4 figures: a healthy boundary, a limited or non-existent, loose or porous, rigid or a wall.

As shown in this chart, healthy boundaries are sufficient to contain and protect the individual while also having space for others to "be allowed in". Un-healthy boundaries, on the other hand, are either non existent, loose or so rigid they are like a wall.

Think about interacting with another individual on either a physical, emotional, or psychological level. Which set of boundaries would you prefer? Not enough boundary and you are unprotected and overwhelmed; too much, and no one can connect.