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Codependence - An Explanation

 Section Index 

Codependence will often be a factor in many of the problems one may face in life. This is due to the way codependency influences elements of thinking, and thereby, shapes a person's choices and behavior.

Codependent behavior will often be at the root of relationship problems, and will impact your overall satisfaction in life. This is because the thought process of codependency is very deeply integrated into your self concept and level of self esteem.

picture of an anxious man and a troubled woman facing each other and separated by a group of twisted bars. This is to show how codependence is related to relationship issues and how the enmeshment can cause emotional strife.

By realizing and correcting the "irrational" thoughts and beliefs, recovery from codependence is possible. It will release you to have satisfying relationships, discover a true sense of balance, and regain a sense of control for your life.

Initially, the recognition of codependency came from the alcoholic recovery movement. It was observed that the individuals (i.e., spouse, significant others, etc.) who were emotionally involved with an alcoholic appeared to be as dependent on "rescuing", and "helping" their partner, as their partner was dependent on their drinking behavior.

It became understood that these individuals were Co - "Dependent" (cooperatively dependent) with the alcoholic. As these individuals worked to break free from their irrational and impossible attempts to change another person's behavior, it became evident that the motive for their efforts was:

The co-dependent needed to be needed.

Just as elements in the counseling model of "dysfunctional families" came from an understanding of the alcoholic family, so too did the concept of codependency, as well as the model of counseling for codependence.

While not every family has an alcoholic member, many families have varying levels of dysfunction. The same holds true for codependence. Not every codependent is in a relationship with an alcoholic.

Unfortunately though, so many women and men operate from the same basic principle:

They will be "good enough" only if they help others.

The purpose here is to help you learn how not to function in this manner. The goal is for you to have healthy boundaries, take care of yourself, and to be free of your NEED to please others (at the loss of yourself).



How does codependency effect your life and relationships?

You are probably a generous person and willing to be of service for others. On the surface your behavior is that of being "helpful" to others. The problem is that this can go beyond a healthy limit; and ultimately, a "people pleasing" thought and behavior pattern will lead you to end up "believing" and "feeling" like you are a: VICTIM

This feeling of victimization is only one of the positions/roles you occupy.
The "game" or "dance" of codependency has three:


  1. Rescue

    (Forever willing to help out, the one who does it all, doing for others what they could do for themselves, worry what people think, know what others need without being asked, "people please", so forth and so on....)

  2. Persecute (resentment)

    (Feel helpless, frustrated, and "resentful" because they won't: change, accept your help, appreciate your help, understand that you're just trying to help, etc. You become HURT and ANGRY.)

  3. Victim

    (Why does this keep happening to me? I was only trying to help. Who do they think they are? Doesn't anyone appreciate me? Why do I keep doing this? ....)

You're moving about on
what is known as the:
Drama Triangle1

diagram of the Karpman Drama Triangle, which is an inverted equalateral triange used to diagram the positions of participants in a relationship. The top two corners are Rescue and Persecute. The bottom point is the victim.  Each side of the diagram also has arrows that point both directions to siginify how the positions will shift.

Notice the triangle is inverted, and the arrows go both directions. The outcome is always negative, and the position a person assumes will change many times as the game is played out.

picture of a small waterfall as a metaphor for codependence as a dysfunctional relationship with the self and the ability of coginitive behavioral therapy to help a person recovery from codependent behavior.

Yes, codependency is a game, or if you prefer a dance. It is a lonely dance and a confusing game. It is not intentional, and it is played out nonetheless. Sadly, the underlying purpose is to evade the vulnerability of sincere intimacy:

("If you really knew who I was, and how defective I am, you would reject me.")

You learned the rules of the game as a child. It becomes such a part of your thinking, that without your conscious awareness, you will find people who need to be "helped". You end up believing you are treated unjustly.

By rescuing, or fixing them, you are not treating them very fairly either!


Codependence is a dysfunctional relationship with yourself.

You have learned to define yourself by what other people think about you. Your validation is dependent on someone else's level of contentment. (Consider what you think of yourself when others are unhappy.)

This becomes more and more self defeating as you start to assume and believe you know: 1) What others want or need. and, 2) What others think about you.

As author John Bradshaw explains it: "You cease to be a human being, and become a human doing."2

Let's look a bit deeper at this "people pleasing" pattern of thinking and behavior. It robs you of the best thing you've got: YOU. There's more information found on codependency explained Page 2.





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Section Index: Codependency Counseling Issues

Codependence Explained
- Page 1 -

Codependence Explained
- Page 2 -

How Codependency
Is Learned

  

Codependence Recovery
- Page 1 -

Codependence Recovery
- Page 2 -

How to Improve
Your Self Esteem


RETURN to TOP



References:

1 Karpman, S. (1968). Fairy tales and script drama analysis. Transactional Analysis Bulletin, 7(26), 39-43.

2 Healing the Shame That Binds You; Bradshaw, John; Deerfield Beach, Fla. : Health Communications, Inc., 1988.






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