Effective & Assertive Communication (Page 2)

A metaphor I often use in counseling sessions is that of the tennis court. The purpose is to help individuals in a relationship see that with their communications, they're responsible for all that happens on their side of the net.

Assertiveness and listening skills are the two "sides" of meaningful conversation. If you can master these powerful abilities, your relationships will flourish. It can lead to increased respect from others and promote their willingness to see you as a person of self respect.

We've previously discussed some aspects of assertive communication. Another important technique that makes this style of communicating work is the "I" statement.

It's called this because the purpose is to keep the focus of the conversation on your concern for the moment, and not on accusing or blaming the other person. (Example: "I'd like to be able to finish my thoughts without interruption." instead of, "You're always interrupting me.") This also serves the purpose of hindering the other person from side tracking into an argument.

There are three parts to an effective and assertive "I" statement:

1) the "DESCRIPTION"      2) the "EFFECT"
3) the "DIFFERENCE"

When, (the "description") happens, it (the "effect") occurs. I need (the "difference") to happen in the future.

The Description is informing the other person about the details or specifics of your concern. It is very important that your focus remain on behavior, otherwise it may be seen as an "attack".

(It may be helpful to say something that acknowledges the other person's feelings. It will validate them and show you're not trying to start an argument.)

The Effect is letting the other person know what the behavior is bringing about for you. This element is your "feeling" statement. In essence, why you want the behavior to change.

The Difference is letting the other person know what you would like to be changed. It is a specific request for a specific change in the other person's behavior. (Remember, you really don't want to change them, you want some aspect of their actions to change.)

Here are a couple of examples of assertive communication:

Description
"Lately I know we have been arguing alot about the finances. I know how hard your work is and that money is tight. When we discuss the subject, other things seem to come up.

Effect
When that happens, I feel frustrated and don't think my concerns are heard.

Difference
From now on I would like it if we could stay on topic, and let factual numbers determine our decisions regarding the budget. I know this may be different at first, and I really think it's best for our relationship. I think this will improve our understanding of each other and we won't argue as much."

Description
"Mom, whenever we talk about the kids, I notice that my thoughts and opinions get discounted and when they are at your house they aren't disciplined the way I want them to be.

Effect
When this happens, I feel hurt and that I have no control over how I raise my children.

Difference
From now on I would like it if my wishes regarding their discipline be listened to and respected. I know you love them very much, and we can talk about the subject. I think it will help if we come to a clear understanding about this."

With either communication, it would be difficult for the other person to divert the conversation into argument. If they try, you can always use the technique of "broken record" wherein you stay centered, refuse to engage in argument and restate your communication.

Another element of effective communication is how you process information coming from the other side of the net. Follow along to the next page and we'll discuss how to improve your listening skills.

To help guide you in learning how to effectively and assertively communicate, I would highly recommend any of the following books:

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Section Index: Marriage and Relationship Issues
Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling	Relationship Guidance Marriage Counseling (con't)	Stop the Arguments & Create Solutions	Develop Your Conflict Resolution Style
Effective & Assertive Communication	Effective & Assertive Communication (con't)	Gender Differences in Communication	How You Can Improve Your Listening Skills

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