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After an Affair: Counseling to Recover

From a perspective of self care and healing, counseling to recover from the impact of an affair starts with two significant questions you need to answer:

  • Do you want to rebuild the marriage?

  • Does your partner express a desire to stop the affair, and try to rebuild the marriage?

If you answer EITHER of these questions "NO", then this marriage is finished, period. It is important to accept this so you can remain rational and function in a manner that is in your best interest.

If your partner does not want to continue in this marriage, the more you try to make them remain, the more they will resist, pull away, and:

  • The less adequate you may feel as a person.
  • The more you will hurt because of the perceived rejection.
  • The less rational you will be about decisions that will affect your future.
  • The more apt you are to have confused emotions, act vindictively and suffer for a longer period.

I know this sounds harsh. Sometimes, life is painfully unfair. The challenging reality you face is surviving, rebuilding your life, healing, and with time, learning how to thrive again.

Also understand that if your partner is unsure of their answer, you will have to rationally decide how long you will choose to give them to become "sure" of their answer.

Sometimes a spouse will claim to be unsure, when what's happening is difficulty on their part in taking responsibility for choosing to leave the marriage.

They feel "guilty". They are not expereincing remorse for the affair, or ending their commitment. They are confused about themselves: that they could be in this situation in the first place.

Marriage counseling after an affair can work. The prospect of restoring your marriage is improved when:

  • The affair is finished and contact with the other person is ended – completely.

  • You share with your partner a sincere interest in healing the trust that has been broken.

  • You and your partner are willing to look at and accept any responsibility for behavior that contributed to marital discord before the affair.

  • You and your partner are willing to try new behaviors to rebuild trust and intimacy in your relationship.

  • You become willing to recommit to your partner and share responsibility for both satisfaction and conflict resolution.

If the affair is truly finished, and you both want to make it work, your next step is to find a professional counselor or therapist in your area that is experienced in rebuilding marriages after affairs.



May God bless you both!

The Affair Recovery Center is a partnership of counseling professionals dedicated to restoring marriages impacted by infidelity.









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