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After an Affair: Counseling to Find Peace  |
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Finding out your partner is having, or has had an affair is one of the worst things that can happen in a relationship. It is a demoralizing and painful expereince. Your trust for your partner is shattered. Your bond of intimacy has been ripped apart. You're severely hurt, and as a matter of self protection -- Angry. You question your adequacy, and are face to face with your human vulnerability. |
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You question your continued commitment to your partner. You still love them, but how could they do this? Based in my experience providing counseling for marriages and relationships, I truly understand the deep level of distress this will place on you, and on the chances for your continued relationship. While this hurts severely, you can begin to heal, and move past the pain by doing two things: |
- Talk to someone you feel safe sharing your feelings with, and will listen without giving you advice on what to do.
This might be a family member, a close friend, a pastor, or a professional counselor. [Unless this is a family member or professional it is best done with someone of the same gender if at all possible.)
Talk it out. Vent your anger. Cry the tears. Release as much of the hurting emotions as you can. Allow yourself adequate time to "live through" your pain. It will hurt a little less each day, if you don't prevent its release.It may also help to write out your feelings and let your partner know what their behavior has resulted in. (These writings are for you -- I don't recommend letting them ever see it.)
- Shift your response from emotional to rational thinking.
If you give yourself time to work out your pain as suggested in step #1 you can be in a much clearer and “rational” state of mind.
Only in a manner such as this can you begin to effectively heal. By releasing the pain and returning to a functional state of mind will you be able to hear and acknowledge the following:
- It is not your fault.
- The affair is a result of your partner’s extremely poor choice.
- You are adequate and good enough for someone to commit to and love.
- You have options
- Your partner is a human being who has made an extremely terrible decision.
- You can make decisions.
- You will, can, and want to heal from this wound.
I am NOT counseling you to just “get over it.” I'm suggesting that you can make the decisions that can keep your relationship together.
(If this is what you want)
To do this you have to be as free from your emotional influence as possible.
It is really difficult to see how to clean up a mess -- with tears in your eyes.
Take the time that is necessary to do your emotional "clean-up." This might even require physically separating for a time if it is possible, and you believe you need it.
After you have processed your feelings, you will be able to think and decide from a point of view that is reality based, and free from emotional influence. If you believe you are ready, here are some suggestions to help you recover.
